NOTE: Depression is a dark monster who tells you nothing but lies. “Do the next right thing” and just take it one step at a time, knowing you do matter, you are loved, you are needed. Please seek help if you suffer from depression. Find an outlet like journaling, sketching, or hiking. Evaluate and change the factors that bring you down, like your job, living situation, or the toxic people in your life. I’ve posted the link to this video before, but I just feel like it describes depression so well. Take a moment to listen to this song from one of my daughters’ favorite movies: Frozen II.  Another wonderful video to check out is Johann Hari’s TED Talk. 

My beloved father-in-law David struggled with depression for years. If you had met him, you likely would never have known. He was always so bubbly and friendly. He made friends with nearly everyone he met, and he was constantly joking around or pulling pranks. He made everybody around him laugh and feel the warmth and kindness that came from within him. Yet somehow, he could not feel it himself.

When COVID hit, the isolation took a major toll on David. He admitted to us that he was struggling more than ever, and that he was in a very dark place. We tried our hardest to reach out to him, to grab his hand and pull him back into the light. My mother-in-law, husband, sister-in-law and brother-in-law, and I all joined forces to try and help him realize how loved he was, how needed he was. But sadly, it just wasn’t enough.

On June 1^st, 2020, David managed to sneak away from the family. It didn’t take long before his absence was noticed, but that brief window of time was all he needed to gain enough distance and end his pain by taking his own life, and leaving a giant hole in our hearts.

David was a wonderful man who stood up for the underdog even if he didn’t know him. He was incredibly generous and loved to bring a smile to everyone’s face. He was very patient, soft-spoken, and supportive. When my sister-in-law announced her pregnancy, he was excited to welcome another grand baby to his family (although, he sadly never got to meet her), and he wholeheartedly loved the two he already had—my beautiful daughters. Watching him interact with my babies melted my heart every single time.

He loved to fish and would often drive over to the ocean and spend the day in quiet solitude, rock fishing. When I was at home healing from my c-section with a newborn Karissa, David and my husband Lane took our oldest daughter fishing. Emmy was 2.5 years old at the time, and Lane caught a moment on video that will live in infamy within our family. Papa David had caught a fish, and Emmy was naturally curious about it. It lay rather still in the dirt as she approached it hesitantly. Suddenly, it started flopping like mad trying to get back in the water. Little Emmy jumped about ten feet in the air, shaking her arms like she was trying to take flight, and ran back towards Lane for protection. You can’t see David’s face in the video, but you can see his hand holding the fishing pole and hear his bubbly, infectious laughter. It gets me every time.

David was an old-fashioned cowboy who grew up ranching and competing in team roping events. In between competitions, he would bring my horse and I along to explore the trails at the lake. We would ride mostly in peaceful, serene silence with the occasional, “Look at that view!” We had an understanding and a joint appreciation for companionship with horses and nature. We were connected in an unspoken way from the moment we first met—kindred spirits. Time stood still on the trail with David, and oh, how I miss those trail rides with my favorite cowboy. 

There was an old, abandoned barn that we used to pass on many a trail ride together. Since David’s death, although I do most of my riding at the lake, I had not been able to bring myself to go the barn until recently. Finally in March, I rode to the old barn for the first time in many years. I lingered there a while, reminiscing about David and all the changes we’ve experienced since his light left this world. I felt his presence and his warmth as the spring sun shone down upon me. He has made this world a better place for the time that he was here. I wish he could have seen the positive impact he has had on so many lives and known just how much we love and miss him.

David, you will always be my favorite cowboy. 

PS: My father-in-law always loved a good, uplifting quote, so it seems fitting that I end this post with this one by the creator of Winnie the Pooh.

If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together… There is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we’re apart… I’ll always be with you.

A. A. Milne