Just Is a Four-Letter Word, and it can also shatter the airs of open communication between people if you aren’t careful. If you aim to be that person your children feel comfortable coming to for anything, then you need to validate their feelings, even when you don’t understand them. I try my best to listen to my daughters when they talk to me, whether to share about something that they learned, something that excited them, or something that upset them. This goes even when I feel it’s unjustified or a minor/nonissue or something that is old news to me.

“I learned how to write the letter A today!” your child exclaims with excitement and pride.

If you respond half-heartedly or sarcastically, how will that make your child feel? How will it shape the way they communicate with you going forward? If you don’t share their excitement when they learn how to write the letter A, why would they come to you later when they land that big promotion at work or meet the love of their life? This may seem like a leap, but what we do today shapes the way our communication will be in the future.

Let me step down off this high horse for a moment. No, I don’t always communicate perfectly. Yes, I fall short at times. I am human, after all. But having my eyes opened to the fact that each interaction affects my future relationship and communication level with my children is a good start. If I can’t be fully available in the exact moment they approach me, I try to circle back to it at a later point when I can be more available. Striving to be there for my daughters every time they need me will show them I can be trusted with their innermost thoughts and feelings. In the end, it doesn’t matter how minor it seems to me or how I feel about it. What matters is how she feels. If it’s important to her, it should be important to me as well.

Be cautious how you respond to negative confessions as well. My oldest daughter very rarely has an accident, but when she does, she knows she can come to me and tell me without fear of punishment. I strive to push any irritation or frustration aside. If I feel it rising, I take deep breaths and remind myself that she is already embarrassed and feeling down on herself. I do not need to add to that by belittling her or scolding her. Instead, I tell her things like, “Everyone has accidents, even adults!”

We don’t make mistakes on purpose and neither do our kids. That’s the very definition of the word mistake: “a wrong action or statement proceeding from faulty judgment, inadequate knowledge, or inattention.” Everyone makes mistakes. What’s important is that you try your best to fix it and make it right when you recognize it. Likewise, be sure to admit your own mistakes to your children when they affect them. If you overreact to a situation, be sure you approach them with an apology and an explanation as soon as you are able.

In the case of having an accident, by my daughter telling me rather than trying to hide it, we can change her clothes, clean her up, and clean up the floor before it spreads and becomes a bigger issue. Even without words, this lets her know there is no need to feel ashamed. In fact, there is courage in her confession, bravery in baring her vulnerability and admitting her mistake, and it’s the first step in rectifying the situation.

Create a safe space for your children to come to and open up about anything on their mind—the good, the bad, and the silly. If you want your kids to make smart choices, choices you can be proud of, then you need to guide them. But you can’t do that without their respect. Earn it by setting the foundation for open and honest communication by validating their feelings.

Celebrate their wins with them, forgive their shortcomings, encourage them to try again, and listen when they need a shoulder to lean on. In turn, this will teach them to understand and be able to discuss their emotions, creating wonderful bonds and communication skills with everyone who matters in their lives and building a better legacy.