Everything in Moderation

My husband and I both grew up knowing how to entertain ourselves through creativity and outdoor activities. Don’t get me wrong, we definitely watched TV also. But we were the last generation to grow up without a cell phone attached to our hands that leads to such a dependency on technology. Cell phones were becoming more prevalent by the time we got our driver’s licenses, but back then, they still had monotone ringtones, could barely text, apps did not yet exist, and to top it all off, we often forgot our phones at home. (Remember the Nokia? The most you could customize it was with a new faceplate.) We knew how to get outside and play, have face-to-face interactions in real time, and make up our own games and activities.

Too much screen time—whether on social media, watching TV, or playing a video game—can replace real social interactions, quality family time, and even positive thinking by teaching our kids dangerous ways of viewing themselves and the world. But Lane and I don’t believe in making things completely off limits because that only promotes unhealthy binging whenever they find the opportunity, whether that’s at a friend’s house or in adulthood, and that’s not good either. We have found that moderation is key.

The Problem

Lately, Ember and Karissa started asking for more and more screen time. As soon as they woke up on the weekends or Ember got home from school, they would ask to watch TV. If we said no, they whined and had negative attitudes. But if we let them start watching first thing in the morning, they wanted to watch TV all day. We began noticing that extra screen time also promoted bickering between the girls. Yes, this got worse the more screen time they had!

Inevitably, when the time came that we told them to turn the TV off, we’d still get the whining and negative attitudes that we would have gotten if we’d just said no in the first place. All we had managed to do was delay it. This made even the simple question of, “Can we watch TV?” become a source of contention among all of us.

The Solution

We recognized a growing problem, so we dove into finding a solution. Lane approached me with a token-based screen time concept, and I have to admit, I was hesitant at first. After all, one of the drawbacks for me when we limit their screen time is my inability to work for longer stretches of uninterrupted time. But Lane reminded me they are both old enough to know how to entertain themselves for much of the day (Karissa is four and Ember is six). We just had to remind them how by (partially) taking away the crutch of TV.

The Basics

The basic idea of this token system is that each kid gets a container and a set amount of tokens per week. They can earn more by doing chores and they can also have some taken away if they don’t listen. At the end of the week, they can turn in any unused tokens for real money, so there is even incentive to not use all of them. But the power of this concept lies in letting your kids remain autonomous by having the freedom to make their own decisions. In this manner, they must take responsibility for whatever benefits or consequences come their way as a result. As parents, it has eased our stress over having to be in control of monitoring how much screen time our kids are getting.

The Specifics

I’m happy to share the specifics of our token system with you, but remember, everyone is different. Please feel free to adapt it for whatever works best for you and your family.

Payday

Choose a day to be “payday.” We decided on Sunday evening. On payday, have your kids bring their buckets to you. If they have any tokens left over from the week prior, they turn them in for real money (no, they can’t roll them over for the next week). Then you give them each however many tokens you’ve decided on for the new week. We settled on ten tokens per kid per week (see Value below). This is also when you would pay any extra tokens they’ve earned from the week prior (see Earning Extra Tokens below).

Value

Each token equals a certain amount of screen time or a certain monetary value. We chose to make it a half hour of screen time or twenty-five cents. If they don’t use a single token all week (yeah, right!), that’s only a payout of $2.50 per kid per week, $3 if they did all their chores (that’s roughly $10 to $12 per month per kid). It’ll hardly break the bank, but it offers incentive for them to consider how badly they want to watch TV versus saving up for that toy they’ve really been wanting (be sure to check out my book, Horse Cents, to help teach your kids the value of saving their money!). On the flip side, if they do all their chores and use every last token on screen time, they will max out at five to six hours per week. That’s less than an hour a day.

Rules

Make sure you set your rules ahead of time and make them clear so your kids understand and you can be steadfast and consistent.

1. Screen Time Devices: Determine which devices you will include in this screen time token system. We have chosen to include ALL electronic devices, including the TV, computer, video games, social media, etc. Of course, our kids are young, so they do not currently have social media, but we plan to include that when the time comes. Just figure out what you want to fall within the boundaries of your system and make it clear.

2. Allowable Timeframes: Consider whether you want to have a set timeframe that screen time is strictly allowed or not allowed. For example, maybe you don’t want the TV on before 10 a.m., or maybe you want all cell phones put away by dinnertime until the next morning. We have opted to allow our kids to use their tokens whenever desired—within reason, of course. We do require that chores and homework are done first, and they must brush their teeth and hair before screen time on the weekends.

3. Make Them Responsible: Your kids should be responsible for setting a timer and turning their screen of choice off when their time is up. If they don’t, have a rule in place for whether they simply owe you another token to continue watching, or if they will have a token taken away as a penalty. Giving them this responsibility builds up their moral compass that will nurture honesty and integrity. Most of the time, our kids turn it off the second the alarm goes off and there is no argument or whining!

4. No Sharing: This is one time when you don’t want your kids sharing. Make it clear that they can’t watch on the other’s “dime,” so to speak. For example, they can’t each spend one token to get a total of an hour of screen time together. If they both want to watch for an hour, they will each need to give you two tokens (based on our value system).

5. Exceptions: With anything, there are always exceptions. For example, we look forward to the occasional family movie night with homemade popcorn. Rather than making our daughters spend three or four tokens each to get through one movie, we have decided to make this special event token-free. This way, everyone can join in family movie night, regardless of their their token balance. Exceptions will also be made for school- and work-related tasks (like research papers or a documentary assigned as homework). And the last exception we have chosen to include are sick days. That’s not to say they can watch TV all day when they’re sick, but we will give them an hour of bonus screen time if they need to stay in bed all day. The choice is yours on how to handle any of these situations. Just be consistent with whatever you decide.

Losing Tokens

Determine how a token could be taken away and be consistent on your follow-through. We’ve decided to only do this when they don’t listen to our requests or reminders (like for bedtime routine or picking up toys). For example, if you ask your child to get ready for bed and they whine about it, give them one warning about losing a token. If they continue to complain or not listen, clearly state that you are taking a token away and then immediately follow through with doing so. It’s very tempting to give in to the probable pleading that will follow, but you must commit to your promises or your words won’t hold any power. Your kids will learn from this experience, and once you get over the initial hump of the learning curve, things will become so much smoother. Opposite to that, if you don’t do what you say you are going to do, your kids will learn that they can whine and plead and you will likely give in. Consistency is key, but be careful to not overuse this threat of losing a token either or it will lose its power.

Earning Extra Tokens

Ask your kids to help with age-appropriate chores. They can most definitely be responsible for picking up their own toys. They can also help put their own clothes away. Beyond that, the possibilities are endless! You can teach them how to feed the dog or cat, wipe down or set the table, wash dishes or put them away, help cook dinner, take the trash out, vacuum, wash windows or mirrors, etc. It’s amazing how much they are capable of when given the opportunity. This will also allow your kids to see that you believe in them, that they are capable, and that they are an important part of the family.

If they argue about a chore, remind them once that they won’t earn both tokens at the end of the week, and then let them decide how to proceed. Chances are they will do the chore and you won’t have to argue with them about it. On payday, you will hand out any extra tokens earned from the week prior to be used in the new week. If they did all the chores asked of them the week prior, they earn their full “allowance” of extra tokens per week (in our case, two extra tokens). If they only did some, they only get some of the extra tokens (in our case, one).

The Results

I fully believe in the concept of learning from our mistakes (as you’ll see in the next blog series: A Legacy of Reframing Failures—coming soon). We let our girls have full control of their coins and they have tested every angle. There have been times where they have a lot of tokens left at the end of the week that they get to turn in for real money to save or spend however they want. Other times, they’ve used up all their tokens before the week was out and had to spend the weekend using their imaginations and being active. They love having the autonomy, and surprisingly, they don’t argue with the results at the end of each week because they understand that they are the ones in control of it all. Instead, they learn from it and make different choices the following week.

Overall, I can’t emphasize enough how well this has been working for us since implementing this system about two months ago. It sets very clear boundaries that we all recognize and understand, while eliminating a lot of the arguments around screen time. At the same time, the kids maintain autonomous control of when to use them, which makes them feel proud and encourages them to make smart choices. It has really been a wonderful experience all around.

Get Started

We live in a world surrounded by screens, but we can still teach our kids to live a real life outside of those screens by setting good habits from a young age. By making it fun and requiring their participation in the token system, they will learn more than just limiting their screen time. They will also learn about the concept of money and that nothing in life is free. In addition, they’ll discover their self-worth, integrity, and the value of being an active part of the family. If you try this token system, I can practically guarantee you will wonder why you hadn’t thought of it sooner.

To get started, you will need a container and enough tokens for each child per week (if you follow our value system, that’s ten per week and two extra for chores, for at total of twelve per kid). Visit your local dollar store for inexpensive options, or make it even more fun and involve the kids in the choices! Lane opted for plain wooden tokens so he could write the value on them with a paint marker (“1/2” on one side to indicate a half hour of screen time, and “.25” on the other to indicate a quarter of real money). But you can find tokens that match your child’s personality (think pirate coins, pogs, or flat marbles). You can also have fun with the container options (think medieval coin pouch, metal bucket, or mermaid tail). You could even get plain containers that you let your kids decorate. Our girls personally enjoy the sound of the tokens clanging in their metal buckets on payday, but find whatever works for you. Don’t forget to keep a roll of quarters or some dollar bills on hand, depending on the value you choose to assign the tokens.

Be sure to sit down with your kids and discuss the rules so they understand. Make it fun and exciting and they will look forward to it rather than seeing it as limiting their screen time. Good luck and have fun!