A Double-Edged Sword
Our daughter, Ember, has always been a quick learner. She is the epitome of a little sponge soaking up everything we present to her. Just a few short months after she began her school career last year in TK, she learned the days of the week and the months of the year. When we began to help her memorize my phone number, she locked in the first six numbers within a half hour and could recall them the next day. She learned all twenty-six letters of the alphabet, tons of sight words, and could read and write simple sentences before half the school year was out. Now, whenever Lane and I spell something in an attempt to be secretive, she can often figure out what it is—I guess it’s time to put that old trick to rest.
School came easily for me as well. I did have to work at it, but most subjects weren’t too difficult for me and I could pick things up rather quickly if I put in an effort. Unfortunately, this could be a double-edged sword. When things suddenly didn’t come easily for me (I’m looking at you, chemistry and physics), I was quick to frustration, sometimes even resulting in tears. I despised when things were difficult for me to grasp (let’s be honest, I still do). After a few short attempts, if it remained difficult, I perceived it as a failure and stopped trying.
I’m already witnessing that same trait in both my daughters. Just like when I was a child, whenever Karissa finds something difficult, she is quick to frustration and wants to give up. When Emmy encounters something difficult, she shuts down to the point that I can’t get her to budge no matter what I try. This temptation to simply shut down and not try again is often due to the learned behavior of a fixed mindset versus a growth mindset.
Fixed vs. Growth Mindset
A fixed mindset views failures as the limit of our abilities. It teaches us to abstain from risk-taking, think in absolutes, take everything personally, and believe we are incapable of developing new skills. This is the mindset of simply scraping by with the bare minimum effort, only doing the things that come naturally to us, and always saying, “No one’s home!” whenever opportunity comes knocking. It keeps us stuck in one place, never reaching for or achieving the wonderful things we dream of. After all, why risk failure?
But what if failure wasn’t the final chapter? What if you could learn and grow from those experiences and try again with expanded knowledge and better results? A growth mindset reframes failures into opportunities to grow. In this manner of thinking, if something is difficult, you challenge yourself to keep striving for success, becoming stronger, wiser, and braver with every step. You recognize that there is always room for growth and learning, and you enjoy the experiences along the way. You discover that the risks are often worth the rewards and your dreams truly are attainable. With the growth mindset, the sky is the limit!
The good news is because the fixed mindset is a learned behavior, we have the power to change it. Will you let one failure dictate the end, or will you keep moving forward until you’ve written your own story exactly the way you want it to be? It can be difficult to rewire your brain, but as parents we have tremendous influence over what sort of mindset our kids grow up with. Make sure you are encouraging your kids to learn the mindset that will help them achieve their dreams, even if the road has a few bumps along the way.
See the World in Color
Our kids learn from watching how we handle difficult situations. It’s our job as parents to change the legacy of perceiving our failures as absolutes and inabilities, a legacy which has been passed down from generation to generation. Instead, we need to teach our children to be proud of themselves for their efforts, no matter the end result. After all, the hardest part of any journey to learn something new is the beginning—it requires you to step outside of your comfort zone and become vulnerable.
You’re not likely to be perfect in your first attempt with a fresh endeavor, but who says you can only try something once? Who determines whether you have failed or succeeded? Life isn’t black and white; it’s full of colors on a wide range of scales. Everyone’s experience will be unique and different. Be resolute in your choice to see the world in color. Learn to recognize even the slightest progress, consider it a success, and keep trying!
To Be Continued…
Next time, I will explain how to teach our kids to have a growth mindset and set them up for a life of exciting experiences and successes.
