Harmful Praise

Praise can also be a key factor in how we view our failures. It’s fun and exciting to cheer for our kids when they are doing well, but be cautious with your praise. If used improperly, it can actually cause harm just as easily as it can boost confidence.

Consider when something comes along that is more difficult for your child to achieve or when the result is not as desired. The absence of praise in such situations can discourage kids from trying new things and cause them to give up when faced with a challenge. They’d rather stick with what they’re good at and what they know you will be proud of them for.

Opposite of that, too much praise can feel insincere. If you cheer the same for every achievement and attempt, your child will start to roll their eyes and possibly even feel angry or upset with you when you try to cheer them on. This is because they know you’re just using empty words that hold no value.

To maintain its positive effects, we have to be cautious about how and when we use praise.

Efforts Over Perfection

So, how do we use praise properly? For one thing, don’t make your kids feel like they have to be perfect to earn your praise. Likewise, don’t be fake with your applause by cheering the same for every little thing.

More important than praising their achievements, we must praise the process of their endeavors, regardless of the outcome. Therefore, to show genuine praise, point out something specific each time, preferably focused on the effort rather than the result. For example, if you child brings you a drawing, point out your favorite color they used rather than how they managed (or did not manage) to stay within the lines. If they have been training hard for a new sport, point out their improvement rather than whether they won or lost the game.

Bottom line: make sure you are emphasizing their efforts, not their perfection.

Practice Makes Perfect (Sort Of)

I love horseback riding. It’s my therapy! But I didn’t simply hop on a horse one day and immediately know how to stay in the saddle over a jump or at a full gallop. In fact, the first time I sat on a horse at a slow walk, I was certain I was going to fall off. It took miles in the saddle and countless lessons to gain my balance and know how to communicate properly with my horse. Years later, I found myself galloping at full speed without a saddle or bridle on my horse. Probably not the smartest thing, but the point is it took time, patience, and practice to get it right (and I still have a tumble from time to time!).

It’s crucial that we remind our children we won’t always succeed, especially not on our first try. In fact, failure is guaranteed at some point or another, and we may even find that failure still makes an occasional appearance even after years of experience with something. We need to help our kids reframe their failures into lessons.

Just like the turtle who wouldn’t ever go anywhere if he never stuck his neck out, we have to be willing to try in order to reach success. The fact of the matter is we won’t be good at everything, and we will rarely be perfect at something new right away . . . but if we never try, we will never grow.

Failures Are Lessons for Success

Remember, our kids learn best from watching our example, so set an encouraging one. Try new things and don’t let your shortcomings stop you. Reframe your failures into lessons and keep moving forward. If you try hard enough and practice long enough, you will succeed in time. Just be sure to practice self-compassion and show yourself kindness along the way because no one is instantly successful. We all have to start somewhere, and even when you are an expert, there’s still room to grow.

The final lesson: don’t be afraid to make mistakes. They are not failures, but rather lessons to grow and learn from so you can try again, armed with new information and increased skills. Every step is a step in the right direction.