2020 – a year of chaos, face masks, fear, and death. I’m not going to get into the political side of it all, but I will say this last year was not the greatest for my family. After losing our home in the 2017 wildfires (in case you missed it, you can read all about this topic in a four-part series beginning here), we finally felt like we were recovering and normalizing this year. 

After much debate, my husband and I decided to purchase a brand-new travel trailer. We both grew up with a love of camping, and we wanted to share that with our kids. Always having tent-camped in the past, we realized this was much harder with young kids who needed nursings, diaper changes, and naps. We also lost our tent and all of our camping supplies in the wildfire mentioned above. So, in December of 2019, we ordered our trailer and booked our first camping trip as we anticipated its arrival. 

The trailer finally arrived in March of 2020, right as everything was beginning to be on lock down due to COVID-19. Because of the closures of public facilities and locations (we were even prohibited from visiting public beaches and parks), I had to cancel our long-awaited first camping trip with the new trailer. Instead, my oldest daughter, Ember, and I camped out in our driveway. She still had fun, although I was feeling disappointed.

In April, we celebrated our youngest daughter’s first birthday via Zoom. This was an emotional hit for me. We don’t plan on having any more kids, so this was our last-first birthday celebration, and we couldn’t even have our family over to help us commemorate the event. I still tried to make it as special as possible for Karissa. I made a strawberry shortcake with homemade whipped cream frosting, the girls and I all wore dresses, and we put up a few decorations in the dining room. I sent out a Zoom invitation to our family, we recorded the whole thing, and we all sang “Happy Birthday.” But, it felt like another disappointment of 2020.

In June, we lost my father-in-law. David’s suicide hit us very hard. This wasn’t just a natural death, it was a punch in the gut. He suffered from depression, a mental illness that I believe needs to lose the stigma and be openly discussed in order for anyone to find healing. This was a major loss – David was such a loving, generous man, who left a great impression on everyone he encountered, and a giant hole in many hearts. He’ll always be my favorite cowboy to hit the trails with.

Many months passed that brought huge changes. My father-in-law’s death led my husband, Lane, to decide on a career change. For most of his working life, he painted with his parents for their family business. He always assumed he would make a career change eventually – at some point, his parents would have retired and then it would have been just Lane. But he had hoped that would be at least another five years, when both of our kids would be in school, and I would have had plenty of time to get my new business started. Going to work without his dad was a constant reminder of what he had lost, and clients often asked where he was. Needless to say, both of us making big career changes simultaneously has been quite stressful and financially draining.

In October, we celebrated Ember’s 4^th birthday. But this time, we had a small list of immediate family members who we invited to join us. We also held a separate dinner and let Ember choose one friend to invite over. But all of this was still very different from our usual large parties of friends and family, food and fun.

In December, a very dear and longtime friend of mine lost her five-year battle with ovarian cancer. She left behind her devoted husband, step-children, mom, sister, and many other family members and friends. Yet another major loss. JoAnne was a hard-worker, had a big heart, the confidence of a boss, wisdom beyond her years, and was crazy inspirational. Through all the storms she had been through, she still chose to shine.

So, yes, this year has been pretty awful. So many regrets of not seeing those we love before it was too late. So many people suffering silently in their homes from unseen illnesses. Days spent choosing between our physical health and our mental health.

Instead of succumbing to the darkness, I am anticipating 2021 with hope of something better coming, some light at the end of the tunnel. I have written out my personal and professional goals for the new year, and I am going to do everything within my power to see that they blossom. When life tries to knock me down, I’ll allow myself a moment to absorb the shock, because there is nothing wrong with taking some time to heal. But then, I am going to lift myself back up. I will use any failures as a learning experience and grow from them, one day at a time. I will persist, persevere, and endure.

It’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters. When something happens, the only thing in your power is your attitude toward it; you can either accept it or resent it.

Epictetus

When you hit rock bottom, you have nowhere to go but up. HAPPY NEW YEAR, EVERYONE!

P.S. – Both of my daughters love the Frozen movies, and when I took Ember on a mommy-daughter date to see Frozen II (back when we actually could go to the movie theater), this song really struck me – it’s all about taking life’s struggles one step at a time. I highly recommend taking a couple minutes to follow the link and listen to the words.