You’re trying to get some chores done when, suddenly, your youngest child begins to scream. You turn to see your kids fighting over a toy. The quickest resolution is to tell your oldest, “Just give the toy to your sister so she stops crying.”

“But I had it first!” she yells, indignantly.

You sigh. You’ve had a long day at the office, and now you’re trying to clean the house while cooking dinner. The last thing you want to deal with is a fight over a simple toy. Not even looking at your children, you continue to do your chores as you speak. “You have tons of toys,” you tell your oldest with a hint of annoyance in your tone. “Just go pick another one.” 

You’ve said it—the J word (twice!). In your mind, it really is that simple. The problem is resolved and you can get back to your chores and maybe have some time to relax before bedtime.

Unfortunately, it’s not that simple to your children. In this scenario, the oldest child has been wronged and invalidated all at once. It doesn’t matter that she had the toy first or wasn’t done playing with it. Her feelings were diminished and belittled. By reacting in such a way, we are leading her to believe that we don’t care how it affects her, and this will absolutely have a negative impact on our future communication with her. Why would she come to us with her thoughts and feelings after repeated experiences such as this?

I’ve found that often the word just is used in this manner when we are frustrated, tired, or angry. It’s said in a way that implies the resolution is simple, so why can’t it just be done? But what we forget is, while it may not be a big issue to us, it is a big deal to our kids or whoever is trying to talk to us about their problem. You don’t have to feel the same or agree with them, but if you love them, they only require your validation and empathy. My husband always says there are three sides to every story: his side, her side, and the truth. We can’t truly judge others for the way they feel about something because we all perceive situations differently. We can’t control the way we feel about something, but we can control the way we respond, and that is where our focus needs to be when teaching our kids about their feelings. 

Merriam-Webster defines the adverb form of just as meaning “only, merely, or simply.” I think of it as a four-letter word, because even though it is small, it has significant power behind it. It suggests that your emotions are diminutive and don’t matter. That unassuming word can really pack a punch when used to dismiss someone’s feelings, especially with how simply it gets tossed into conversation at times.

Consider when you are venting to a friend about something that really bothered you. You feel hurt and you want someone to understand and validate you. Instead, they pour salt in the wound when they tell you, “It’s not that big of a deal. Just get over it.” I’m sure we’ve all experienced a moment like this one. You find yourself wondering, “Why did I even bother to open up to them?” 

It’s incredibly easy to dismiss someone when we already feel at our max or don’t understand why they would be so upset about something that we think wouldn’t have affected us as strongly. But doing so will greatly affect the level of communication and trust between you the other person. Keep in mind that when someone reaches out and shares a wound with you, they are baring their vulnerability—something that is rather difficult for most of us. We don’t necessarily need to feel the same way or as strongly about the topic they are discussing, but we do need to listen and validate the fact that they are upset and that it’s perfectly acceptable. 

We all have a right to feel the way we feel. A stolen toy may not strike us as a crisis, but to our kids who (hopefully) have not experienced much worse than that, it is. Think about if someone walked up to you and just snatched your cell phone out of your hand. Would you just go get another one or demand your phone back?

No matter the circumstances, let your children know it is okay to be angry or sad, and help them understand how to work through those feelings in a healthy manner. Their feelings are always valid; the important part is how they react or respond to those feelings. It’s our job as parents, friends, spouses, etc. to show that we care and that the other person’s feelings are valid. Even if you disagree with the way they feel, you can still show understanding that they are upset (or even excited) about something.

I’ve always been the type to know what I want and what I don’t. As a child, I was known to be bossy from time to time (I like to think of it more as confidence and leadership!). My mom used to tell me, “Mandi, you’ll catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.” At the time, I remember thinking, “I don’t want to catch any flies!” But now that I’m grown, I get what she meant. Spread kindness and understanding. Show love and empathy. A kind word or a smile can go a long way in improving someone else’s day without taking much sacrifice on your end. Even better, lend an ear and a shoulder to those who mean something to you. Get excited with them, cry with them, and tell them you love them. Everyone’s feelings are valid, no matter what.

It only takes a minute or two to listen and show that we care, yet it leaves a lifetime of impression.